What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 07:26
She was in good health!
She loved him until the end.
So whats the point in blame.
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My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
All the time i was locked up.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
How do I find a luxury service apartment in Gurgaon?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
Debitis voluptas voluptatem ea sit.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was 9 years of age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She found it foreign!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He knew the spot.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But, we were locked up after school.
I will be 64.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ive learnt so much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .